no, i haven tlooked at porn thak god. iknow the door that opens up. i dit have sex w cm again, and i'm not proud of it, but it seems as if there's part of me that's ok with it. guess i am becoming numb. my wife told me yesterday she is deifitely done, finished, moving out. in her mind we are done. she keeps saying she doesn't know what will happen in 6 to 12 months, but as far as she is concerned, she is done. so yes i went and acted out on it. i didn't want to feel the hurt and pain and anger. i am grateful tath i am aware of it.
now i am being advised that i need ot go get an attorney. i guess i do, so i can draw up what i want, and get first right of reufsal on business and all that.
so, needless to say i haven't been doing my daily checklist, so here it is for yesterday.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
2nd step
how is god working in my life today?
what evidence do i see of god working in my life?
physically, spiritually, mentally
look for the unseen
what evidence do i see of god working in my life?
physically, spiritually, mentally
look for the unseen
1st step
1st step
i am no longer powerless and my life/ actions are no longer unmanageable. as long as i choose not to act out.
add to daily tenth step inventory:
did i do it?
how many times?
why?
what was situation?
i am no longer powerless and my life/ actions are no longer unmanageable. as long as i choose not to act out.
add to daily tenth step inventory:
did i do it?
how many times?
why?
what was situation?
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Inventory List
List ways disease is currently manifesting itself in my life:
Blame:
getting me to act out based on my wife's behavior, or even my sponsor's behavior
feeling justified in acting out
Fear:
afraid of being alone
afraid of calling on customers and being rejected or not measuring up
afraid of being honest w wife and others about where i'm at
afraid of sharing honestly in meeting
fear of being judged
Lust:
looking at porn
lusting after women i see
texting other women/ old girlfriends
trying to pick up women when i go out
searching cl for women/ pros, for hours
picking up pros
payin for sex
obsessing about thoughts of sex and how and with who
suspicion:
convinced my wife is having an affair
consumed with where she is at and what she is doing
playing detective by going thru her stuff, car, phone, clothes, purse, computer
shame:
feeling like a piece of crap
may as well go act out
feeling unworthy
feeling like everyone is done with me
feeling like i can't get any better anyways
that this is always how i'll be
insecurity
that i'm not good enough
that i don't measure up
that nobody will want me
that nobody likes me or wants to associate with me
denial:
inability to accept the current status of my marriage
inability to accept the current status with my sponsor
depression:
lay around watching tv at house rather than getting stuff done
lack of motivation at work
not working out/ exercising
using something outside myself to change the way i feel:
bought harley
bought boat
bought heather new car thinkgin it would improve marriage
attacking my faith:
making me think i'm not worthy of my faith/ spirituality, and i should stop going to church and not work the tres dias mtgs.
telling me i'm okay bc i didn't act out today, already skipped mtg tonite
thinking that if i can just do right long enough than i can get my wife back
still not sure if i'm doing this for me or to try and save my marriage
still confused as to why i would want to save my marriage when i really take a look at it, except that i really love my wife. but i haven't been happy, and she hasn't been happy. and like my dad said, if there was something i could've done to save my marriage, i would've already done it. i'm not proud of or ok with my current behavior, but i also can't pretend i haven't had times and periods where i devotedly worked on improving my marriage and it didn't get much better. my wife was still withdrawn, distant, unintimate.
Blame:
getting me to act out based on my wife's behavior, or even my sponsor's behavior
feeling justified in acting out
Fear:
afraid of being alone
afraid of calling on customers and being rejected or not measuring up
afraid of being honest w wife and others about where i'm at
afraid of sharing honestly in meeting
fear of being judged
Lust:
looking at porn
lusting after women i see
texting other women/ old girlfriends
trying to pick up women when i go out
searching cl for women/ pros, for hours
picking up pros
payin for sex
obsessing about thoughts of sex and how and with who
suspicion:
convinced my wife is having an affair
consumed with where she is at and what she is doing
playing detective by going thru her stuff, car, phone, clothes, purse, computer
shame:
feeling like a piece of crap
may as well go act out
feeling unworthy
feeling like everyone is done with me
feeling like i can't get any better anyways
that this is always how i'll be
insecurity
that i'm not good enough
that i don't measure up
that nobody will want me
that nobody likes me or wants to associate with me
denial:
inability to accept the current status of my marriage
inability to accept the current status with my sponsor
depression:
lay around watching tv at house rather than getting stuff done
lack of motivation at work
not working out/ exercising
using something outside myself to change the way i feel:
bought harley
bought boat
bought heather new car thinkgin it would improve marriage
attacking my faith:
making me think i'm not worthy of my faith/ spirituality, and i should stop going to church and not work the tres dias mtgs.
telling me i'm okay bc i didn't act out today, already skipped mtg tonite
thinking that if i can just do right long enough than i can get my wife back
still not sure if i'm doing this for me or to try and save my marriage
still confused as to why i would want to save my marriage when i really take a look at it, except that i really love my wife. but i haven't been happy, and she hasn't been happy. and like my dad said, if there was something i could've done to save my marriage, i would've already done it. i'm not proud of or ok with my current behavior, but i also can't pretend i haven't had times and periods where i devotedly worked on improving my marriage and it didn't get much better. my wife was still withdrawn, distant, unintimate.
clean date
new clean date, aug 23rd, 2010, my red letter day!
my wife is leaving me. looked at porn all weekend, surfed cl, texted other women, talked to ex fiance, wife looked thru phone, and she's done.
now it really is up to me, whether or not i want to be a better man, and have a reprieve from this disease, or if i just wan to tcontinue to live in it. can't blame it on her anymore.
my wife is leaving me. looked at porn all weekend, surfed cl, texted other women, talked to ex fiance, wife looked thru phone, and she's done.
now it really is up to me, whether or not i want to be a better man, and have a reprieve from this disease, or if i just wan to tcontinue to live in it. can't blame it on her anymore.
Monday, August 16, 2010
xcontd
what is it gonna take? ahet is it gonna take? serously~! i mean, im paying to have sex w someong thea i dont really awna to, im not really enhoiying it, i went thruy this a weeek and a half ago, and her i am againg, after i fasted and paryed and got close to god! what is it gonnag take. my wife wont evne tell me she loves me. i know i am hurt but this isn't helping. t his isnt getting her back. it's only jusrting me and others. at what poiint am i gonna realizse this and tryliu turn to god. at what point when that disease wont rung off andm i goonaa call someong in the program and take about it. help me lord.
i really dont want to keep going on thliek this. i can gfr even functions. i cant forcus on my work my marrigage my coommitments. all i think about is feeding that disease. helpme loerd, plz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i cant keeep bottling up my feelings ive got to call dennis or someong and talk about them .
i probabaly really do need to make it to some sa meetgings. periond
reagreless of whtat that means to na or what anyohne thinks. i cant seem to realate using to the sex issures, even tho that is what it is. adddiction!
HEL M PLZ LORD, HELP M E GET THRUG THIS TO THE OTHER SIDE INTO COMPLETIONS.
i realize i mayalways stuggle with this. buit help me takekt he way out. help me be the better man that you creatied me to be.
it really is being resoter to dsanity one situation at a time. and i this situation i did not ask to be
forgive me lord. help me homnnor my commitments and bot make thinsg any worse. p[lz
lord, plz grant me thi siwling ness to take the mecessart tsteps and actions to be in recovery and livein gnin the daily reprieve from this deisease. and to use the toolds that i have been given, prayer literuature, meetings, fellowshoep
thak you lod
i really dont want to keep going on thliek this. i can gfr even functions. i cant forcus on my work my marrigage my coommitments. all i think about is feeding that disease. helpme loerd, plz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i cant keeep bottling up my feelings ive got to call dennis or someong and talk about them .
i probabaly really do need to make it to some sa meetgings. periond
reagreless of whtat that means to na or what anyohne thinks. i cant seem to realate using to the sex issures, even tho that is what it is. adddiction!
HEL M PLZ LORD, HELP M E GET THRUG THIS TO THE OTHER SIDE INTO COMPLETIONS.
i realize i mayalways stuggle with this. buit help me takekt he way out. help me be the better man that you creatied me to be.
it really is being resoter to dsanity one situation at a time. and i this situation i did not ask to be
forgive me lord. help me homnnor my commitments and bot make thinsg any worse. p[lz
lord, plz grant me thi siwling ness to take the mecessart tsteps and actions to be in recovery and livein gnin the daily reprieve from this deisease. and to use the toolds that i have been given, prayer literuature, meetings, fellowshoep
thak you lod
Coming up short- again
Here we go again. Come up short again. just finished haveing sex w prostitute. didnt even enjoy. had plenty of opportunity to get away. god does alway s provide a way out, i just have to tatke it. as i pulle din my wife called, then my office called. should have been a sign. but i shrugged them off and went ahead bc i waas already there, and wehen seh cam to the door, i should ve left, but i wnt in. andyways, i didn'tg even enjoy it. i didnt. barely could even get aroused. kept thinkg in i shouldnt be here, i shouldnt' be doint this. but i did. hell i even paid to do it.
this book i'm reading said that god stands beside us, with his arm around us, and we look at our sin together, out in front of us. i hiope that's true. i hoep he isnt' gonnag get tired of me falling shoert. and give up on me.
why in the hell do i keep doing this. i drovbe around my old stomping grounds for work today, and all i could think about was usting. that didsease would not turn off. kept telling me i could buuy some dope. that i could save it rfor later. then it kept elling me to get a wonanb. i mean why not. my wife isn't taling to me anyways. i keep telling her ai love her and she wont even reply. she just says ok, thanmks. but look at the way i treat her. look at awhat i do tho her. if she knew, i know we woul db ne done. is that what i want. is htat why i keep doing this. how in the world can i expect her to love me. then i try and put my behavior off on her and say she must be doing the same thing bc i am agter all.
i f i really loved her would i be doing this. i am i just hurt. am i just using . am i just actiong out. am i just going thru my process. whatever this process is really fud up!!!!
i am using other people, taking advantage of ther ppl, hurting other ppl, true self cednteredness. that 's me. i even contacte cm again. and first hse is all mad and doesn't want tot ltalk to me and wont do it any more. then i realixe that she is a person a human being w feeling as and it's nt right for me to keep using her, then bloscking her #, so i tr and make amends, then she starts hitting me up today, the whole reason i block her # to being with. i dont hvav ethe ppower tor resist, obviosly! so i tell her i can't do that to here nay more, not faris, bot right, and she star begging me, not i'm gonna have to blokc her #$ again. nnot right to keep doing this to ppl, including myself.
even this pros today, i realzied i am takming advantage of a ufffering sex addict. evne i f i padi her. i mean, there was no fruntiutre in the pacle but a bed. anyswauys, i'm jsut taking advantage of one of us. when i should be helpin addicts.
last night i did my ip 9, and the last queisting adkes if staying clean dwas my top prioty today. adn it nver really is. so today i am thingking and praying all day and trying to make starying cleand my top proirity, and the enemy and my diesease had me convinced that it was all about the dope, staying celan off the dope. well, as soon as i left that womand house, i realixze then it is not about jsut the doep. it is about the bejaviore. i didn to stay clean
this book i'm reading said that god stands beside us, with his arm around us, and we look at our sin together, out in front of us. i hiope that's true. i hoep he isnt' gonnag get tired of me falling shoert. and give up on me.
why in the hell do i keep doing this. i drovbe around my old stomping grounds for work today, and all i could think about was usting. that didsease would not turn off. kept telling me i could buuy some dope. that i could save it rfor later. then it kept elling me to get a wonanb. i mean why not. my wife isn't taling to me anyways. i keep telling her ai love her and she wont even reply. she just says ok, thanmks. but look at the way i treat her. look at awhat i do tho her. if she knew, i know we woul db ne done. is that what i want. is htat why i keep doing this. how in the world can i expect her to love me. then i try and put my behavior off on her and say she must be doing the same thing bc i am agter all.
i f i really loved her would i be doing this. i am i just hurt. am i just using . am i just actiong out. am i just going thru my process. whatever this process is really fud up!!!!
i am using other people, taking advantage of ther ppl, hurting other ppl, true self cednteredness. that 's me. i even contacte cm again. and first hse is all mad and doesn't want tot ltalk to me and wont do it any more. then i realixe that she is a person a human being w feeling as and it's nt right for me to keep using her, then bloscking her #, so i tr and make amends, then she starts hitting me up today, the whole reason i block her # to being with. i dont hvav ethe ppower tor resist, obviosly! so i tell her i can't do that to here nay more, not faris, bot right, and she star begging me, not i'm gonna have to blokc her #$ again. nnot right to keep doing this to ppl, including myself.
even this pros today, i realzied i am takming advantage of a ufffering sex addict. evne i f i padi her. i mean, there was no fruntiutre in the pacle but a bed. anyswauys, i'm jsut taking advantage of one of us. when i should be helpin addicts.
last night i did my ip 9, and the last queisting adkes if staying clean dwas my top prioty today. adn it nver really is. so today i am thingking and praying all day and trying to make starying cleand my top proirity, and the enemy and my diesease had me convinced that it was all about the dope, staying celan off the dope. well, as soon as i left that womand house, i realixze then it is not about jsut the doep. it is about the bejaviore. i didn to stay clean
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)